is that how it's gonna be?

terbaca blog seseorang
yang terguris hatinya oleh sahabat sendiri
lalu aku tertanya2
itukah nasibku nanti?

PS: sorry for the temporary abandonment of my blog. my mood to write went on a holiday trip to Barbados.

i just said the hardest NO

I talked to a very dear friend of mine very recently. He often calls and we would talk about things. I guess I'm kinda like his confidante. But life really knows how to surprise you when you least expect it. He always confide. So, when I was answering his call I never expected that I would be hearing something else. A confession.

It really stunned me. For a long moment I didn't know what to say and when I finally figured out an answer I was struggling for a way to say it. I was looking for a way to explain. How do I say it without hurting his feelings? Saying no to a complete stranger is easy. Saying no to someone you hate is even easier. But saying no to someone you know so well and cared about so much is the hardest thing to do. At least for me, it is.

I said it anyway. Trying my best to explain. Choosing my words carefully so as not to hurt him. I do love him. The way a sister loves a brother. I couldn't picture us being anything more than that. It was totally platonic. And I had to let him know that. So I did.

I know he will be reading this sooner or later. That is why I'm posting this. I want him to know that I'm truly sorry if somehow my words managed to find their way to hurt him. I appreciate the courage. I know it wasn't easy. He said things will not be the same again. At least not for now. For that, I want him to know that whenever he is ready to call me a friend again, I will be right here. Always trying to reply his "hye"s. Always willing to hear his stories. Always happy to be his friend.

Again, I'm really sorry.

did this out of boredom

Hey peeps, get this. I found it through the internet.

The song with the longest title is "I'm a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu Mama Doin' Those Beat-o, Beat-o Flat-On-My-Seat-o, Hirohito Blues" written by Hoagy Carmichael in 1943.

Try saying that three times non-stop. I dare you!

*maniacal laugh*

Dear You,

i thought i knew what i wanted
i thought i was sure
that following my heart was the right thing to do
NOW I'M JUST LOST
because my heart seems to be wrong



*sigh*

i hope it's easier this time.

Dear Heart, no more games. Please.

PS: To Senandika, I'm really liking the crew members of the next production and the new line of MTs for the group. I'm hoping for the BESTEST BEST in the future. It'll be fun working together again, like always. CHAIYOK2! \(*_*)/

selamat malam seluruh alam

rabak mata menjaga takungan air dari pecah.

berombak dada menahan sebak tak kebah2.

sesak nafas melemaskan diri yang hampir rebah.



tidak.

mereka tak boleh tahu.

biar hancur tulang-temulang memikul beban di bahu.

sikit pun mereka tak perlu tahu.



pejam mata.

tarik nafas dalam2.

hembus perlahan2.

senyum.

raya

As I promised, here's the post about my two weeks spent in Brunei. It has been delayed for quite some time since I can't really find the time to write. But I'm trying my best not to let my blog go all dusty.

So I went back to Brunei for this year's Eid and the whole crowd was waiting for me at the arrivals. Papa had to work though, but Mama was there. Aa, Aiman and Adib was there too - all of them now bigger than ever. Bibik was waiting for me at home and Wawa wasn't there because she still needed to answer exam papers back in Malaysia.


As I got home I was surprised to see that there were cats everywhere. Last time I checked there were only four of them. And now they were all over the place. All nine of them. There's Moo, Grille, Puma, Zebra, Fe, Tucson, Ireland, Fifi and Lexus.


This is Lexus. He's the laziest, friendliest, most pampered of all the cats in the house. Oh yes. Speaking of pets, our terrapins - Harry, Ron and Hermione - which used to be only the size of a fifty-cent coin are now humongous and need to be put in the garden outside. Their place is still under construction, I think.

Eid preparations were always the same. Nothing but the usuals: hanging the lights, changing the curtains and cushions, cleaning the house, changing light bulbs, and not forgetting lighting up the pelita every night. Most of it is done by our WonderBIBIK who is 'serbaguna dan tahan lama' but we had our fair share of chores too.


We also went to Uncle Shahdan's restaurant for buka puasa. Uncle Shahdan is a Johorean family friend and I have to mention here that his Laksa Johor is the best. If I were to choose, I'd rather come all the way to Brunei for his Laksa. Well, that and many other super-delicious food he cooks. Again, kudos to you Uncle Shahdan!

Raya was also the usuals. (Mind you, Bruneian 'usuals' is not like what we do here in Malaysia. Their 'usuals' include the whole 30 days of open house and a minimum of 8 pairs of raya attire). We had our open house on the 4th day of Eid and boy was it tiring. People were coming in and out the whole day and so were the whole-chickens as the guests keep on eating whatever they can find on the table. The sugar-cane rice which we learned to make from our neighbor was a big hit too. Thanks to Mufasa Mustafa's dad for that.


So that was pretty much all I did during the two weeks spent there. Raya was fun for the first time in three years because it seems that the best raya is the one spent with your whole family, no matter where that is. Speaking of, there's news that this may be the last raya with Bibik around. I hope that's not true. There's also news which involves me being a modern nomad again. Now that, I'm not sure about just yet. I'm just crossing my fingers and keeping on praying.

Happy Raya! =]

• I'll be off to Brunei in a few hours and will be staying there for a couple of weeks.

• So excited to celebrate Raya with my family for the first time in three years. Yeay!

• There may not be any updates for the next two weeks but expect a pretty long one after.

• Last words:

SELAMAT HARI RAYA

MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

tengok bulan

sedang mata melilau gigih membaca nota

terpandang ke luar tingkap

bulan cantik malam ini

ANDAI INI RAMADHAN TERAKHIR

andai kau tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
tentu siangnya engkau sibuk berzikir
tentu engkau tak akan jemu melagukan syair rindu
mendayu.. merayu..
kepadaNya Tuhan yang satu

andai kau tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
tentu solatmu kau kerjakan di awal waktu
solat yang dikerjakan dengan penuh khusyuk lagi tawadhu'
tubuh dan qalbu bersatu
memperhamba diri menghadap Rabbul Jalil
menangisi kecurangan janji
"innasolati wanusuki wamahyaya wamamati lillahirabbil 'alamin"
[sesungguhnya solatku, ibadahku, hidupku, dan matiku...
kuserahkan hanya kepada Allah Tuhan sekalian alam]

andai kau tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
tidak akan kau siakan walau sesaat yang berlalu
setiap detik tak akan dibiarkan begitu saja
di setiap kesempatan juga masa yang terluang
alunan Al-Quran bakal kau dendang
bakal kau syairkan

andai kau tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
tentu malammu engkau sibukkan dengan
bertarawih, berqiamullail, bertahajjud
mengadu.. merintih.. meminta belas kasih
"sesungguhnya aku tidak layak untuk ke syurgaMu
tapi aku juga tidak sanggup untuk ke nerakaMu"

andai kau tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
tentu dirimu tak akan melupakan mereka yang tersayang
kau meriahkan Ramadhan
kau buru.. kau cari.. suatu malam idaman
yang lebih baik dari seribu bulan

andai kau tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
tentu engkau bakal menyediakan batin dan zahir
mempersiap diri
rohani dan jasmani
menanti-nanti jemputan Izrail
di kiri dan kanan
lorong-lorong redha Ar-Rahman

Duhai Ilahi....
andai ini Ramadhan terakhir buat kami
jadikanlah ia Ramadhan paling bererti
paling berseri
menerangi kegelapan hati kami
menyeru ke jalan menuju redha serta kasih sayangMu, Ya Ilahi
semoga bakal mewarnai kehidupan kami di sana nanti

Namun tak akan ada manusia yang bakal mengetahui
apakah Ramadhan ini merupakan yang terakhir kali bagi dirinya
yang mampu bagi seorang hamba itu hanyalah
berusaha... bersedia... meminta belasNya

wahai Tuhan ku tak layak kesyurgaMu.. namun tak pula aku sanggup ke nerakaMu.. kami lah hamba yang mengharap belas dariMu

"ya Allah jadikan lah kami hamba2Mu yang bertaqwa..ampunkan dosa2 kami serta dosa2 kedua ibubapa kami. dosa semua umat2 Islam yang masih hidup mahupun yang telah meninggal dunia"

Amin.....

andai benar ini Ramadhan terakhir buat saya

MAAFKAN SEMUA KESALAHAN YANG PERNAH SAYA LAKUKAN