"Say no to a thousand things so that you can say yes to the few that really matter."

Redzwan A. Rahim

Saying 'NO'. I always have a problem with that. Every time someone asks for help or wants something from me, no matter how busy or unavailable I am I don't know how to say NO. It gets me all the time. Sometimes they want to borrow something that I need or I care about so much that it would worry me if it is in other people's hand. Still, I couldn't find the strength to say NO. I just couldn't bring myself to let down a friend when they needed help. Each time they ask for help I would think...'What if it is me that is asking for their help? How would I feel if they refuse to help me?' and that thought will automatically block any sentence that consists the word NO from coming out of my mouth. There are times when the things that I lent them got lost or broken but I tend to think it was an accident. They didn't mean to lose or break it on purpose. So I'll tell them that it's OK. A friend once told me not to be too lenient about my possessions. Those are my things and I have the right to say NO but I just don't have the heart to do it. I know I have to somehow learn to say NO and I will.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do."

I've always love jungle trekking and camping but I've never imagined myself being left alone in the jungle at night. If given the ability to choose, I would never have chosen to stand alone surrounded by the eerie silence of the jungle. But my preference didn't matter when my group of twelve first-year female students were sent out in the middle of the darkest of nights carrying only a map, a torch light and a compass. We were to find our way through the darkness and look for Osama Laden in the form of a twelve-inch bamboo in an empty, abandoned house.

Despite being the youngest of the group, I have to lead them through this whole program. Their health and performance were my responsibilities. But they were all very cooperative and considerate enough to make things easier for me.

A group was sent off every 30 minutes and our group was the sixth of ten. We started our 'Osama' hunt at exactly 1.45 am. With the map as our sole guide, we headed into the darkness. We were walking cautiously in 6 rows - two in each row. It was like a mini exodus, a black parade. The path was gravelly for the first 10 minutes. There was no sound except for the silent zikr each of us was citing. As we reached the edge of the jungle I was getting more and more anxious. I couldn't wait to get it over with. The dual line form we were in became a single one as the path was too narrow and fit for only one person at a time. I was in front of the line. Holding the torch light firmly in one hand and the map in another, I carefully led the group into the blindness of the jungle. Teamwork and tolerance kept us on the right route although we need to turn back every time we were off track.

Through teamwork and tolerance did we manage to reach the empty house on time. It was lit with dim lights. We couldn't find the twelve-inch bamboo after searching the parameter of the house for an hour. Only after that did we realize we were searching the wrong house. It was supposed to be the other house that we missed because there was absolutely no light whatsoever in that area. We had to go back to into the absolute darkness again. I was about to give up as I was already at my limits. But thinking of the other members of the team, giving up was not my choice. As said by Hannah Arendt : Fear is an emotion indispensable for survival. I knew I have to finish this dreadful journey.

We got to the creepy abandoned house and started searching for 'Osama'. This time we were able to get inside of the building. There were lots of old furniture, drawers and cupboards. There was a calendar still hanging on the wall which stated the year 1887. After circling the building countless times we were grateful to finally found the so-called 'Osama' and headed to the base camp. It was 4.00 am when we reported to the commander. It was so late and the hunt took a long time - not to mention a lot of energy - but it was so worth it when we finally held the twelve-inch bamboo.

I couldn't sleep for the rest of the morning. Before heading back to UMP we took our chance to visit the museum nearby and had a blast of air batu campur and keropok lekor before hopping on the bus. Thinking back, I realized that the 'journey through darkness' has opened my eyes to a whole new level of capabilities. As I have once stated in my previous post:

'It is only when you're tested that you discover who you truly are and who you can be.'

She loses herself in a song
doesn't want to be found
lets her worries fall to the ground

plays it louder again and again
doesn't want the tears to begin
to just forget the places she's been

if only these notes
were a cure to her pain
for the tears that still remain

no voice speaks loud enough
it seems she's heard it all
now she puts up this wall

in hopes that someone
will tear it down
and forever wipe off her frown

it's not what she wants
as tears stream down her face
she's lost something that she cannot replace

all she wanted, all she needs
is someone to hold her
and make sense of this blur